***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 11 - APRIL, 1997 :) :) ***** *********************************************************************


April, 1997


Shalom,


-- Welcome to Issue # 11 of Jewish Humor. We'ved broken 4,000! This issue is being sent out to over 4,000 subscribers - they can't all be relatives - right?. Enjoy the issue! Pass it on!

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Joke 1/4/97: School Daze


Little Yossi and his family move to a small town down south.


When Yossi gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothered him.


One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held up a twenty dollar bill and said "who ever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".


All of the kids called out their guesses.


One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."


"That's excellent" said the teacher.


Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."


"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.


One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."


Another excellent choice said the teacher.


Then Yossi, raised his hand.


So the teacher called on Yossi. "Yes Yossi, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"


And Yossi said "Jesus Christ."


The teacher was shocked. "Yossi," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Yossi should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Yossi the money.


At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. And asked Yossi why he said Jesus.


Yossi said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business."


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Joke 2/4/97: The Chumra of the Week Club


Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased to present: The Chumra of the Week Club.


Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!) better than Shmerl? Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you have been faced by any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now!


Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic Yiddishkeit. Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in any of our present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later).


Choose from Chumras in: Fleishigs Milchigs Davening Clothing Tefillin and Tzitzit and many more. (Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam lamakom.)


After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will receive, each week by mail, a new, exciting additional Chumra which you can immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your Kollel or Shul. Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is inappropriate for any reason, you are entitled to exchange it within 7 days of receipt for a new Chumrah of your choice. Reasons for exchange include: You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater stringency unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their uniqueness and stringency). Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven forbid. You want to be the first one in your community with this Chumra.


We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique and to amaze all your friends.)


To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following form scrupulously:


Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not eligible). Address: _______ Phone:________ To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following: Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____ Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____


Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive: a) Regular ____ b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%) Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details. All correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest confidence.


Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed customers, we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi Ha'ason," the "Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."


Don't Wait Another Minute: Join the Chumra of the Week Club now, and change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly envy for all your friends.


Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other guy will say."


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Joke 3/4/97: Keeping Up With Rabbi Jones


A priest and a rabbi lived next door to each other. Whatever one did, the other had to do better. The priest got a new lawn mower. The rabbi got a new riding lawn mower.


The priest got a satellite dish. The rabbi got a motorized one.


The priest bought a Mercedes. The rabbi bought a Rolls-Royce.


The priest stood in front of his Mercedes, sprinkled holy water on it, and blessed it. The rabbi cut six inches off the Rolls' exhaust pipe.


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Joke 4/4/97: The Jewish Macarenas


(Or, You Lead, But I Won't Follow) The Reconstructionist Macarena: The dance has been completely re-choreographed, but they still use the music so we know it's the Macarena. The Reform Macarena: The traditional dance is on the books, but each row of dancers is free to interpret the music and determine what steps will be danced and how (Modern Reform has opted to retain the wiggle, but not the Classical Reform). Of course, they all start dancing at least four bars into the song, and usually end the dance early. The Conservative Macarena: All aspects of the traditional Macarena are retained, but there is mixed dancing. Most women cover their heads with their hands, but some place the hands at the back of the head as a token gesture, just to show they know the head is supposed to be covered during that step. In some progressive, egalitarian Conservative circles, the women lead. The Orthodox Macarena: All dancers pay strict attention to all details and never miss a step, but tend to rush through the dance using their own rhythms. They will not cross themselves by placing their hands across their stomachs, and so have ruled a heter to replace that step with a few bars of shuckling. As a "fence" to prevent any step from being missed, the song is played twice and the dance repeated. Rules of mechitazah are strictly maintained, so the wiggle has lost some of its "umph".


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Joke 5/4/97: What's In A Name? A young Jewish boy from New York went out west to college. One day in his senior year he called home and said to his mother, "Mom. I've got a surprise for you. I'm getting married."


"Lucky you," his mom said. "Finding a nice young Jewish girl out in a place like Wyoming."


"Mom," his son replied, "she isn't Jewish. She's a Native American."


The mother fainted and wouldn't talk to him for a month.


When she finally agreed to come to the phone, she said, "If you're going to marry an Indian, at least bring her home to me."


Her son said, "Mom, we're already decided where to live. We're moving to the reservation."


The mother fainted again. This time she didn't talk to her son for six months. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, her son said, "Mom, I've got some good news this time. You're going to be a grandmother."


She hesitated, then said, "A grandmother is not a bad thing to be." Feeling pleased for the first time, she called once a month to find out how things were. Then one day she heard from her son. "Mom, I've got great news. We've just had a son. And we've decided to give him a Jewish name."


The mother smiled. "Ahh. A Jewish name for my grandson. What is it?"


"Smoked Whitefish."


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Joke 6/4/97: What Do You Get?


Q - What do you get when you cross a yekke with a lubavitcher?


A - A Moshiach who comes on time!


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Joke 7/4/97: Pasken and Rabbis Ice cream Menu


Pasken and Rabbis ice creams are available in cohens, frozen on a shtick, or in a plastic Yid-dish. In addition to their up-to-the-mitzvah selections of ice cream flavors, P.& R.'s also offers such taste treats as Tosefloats, Saturdaes, Madua-lo-diet freezes, the tantalizing Bamid-bar, as well as traditional ice cream Sotahs in a variety of delicious flavors- the latter, of course, made with Korban-ated water and, if you wish, an extra pshat of seltzer. And while our competitors may offer a multilayered Goyishe Cup, remember that only Pasken and Rabbi's features a free sample of any flavor which we call Bameh Madlickin'.


We are proud to continue our old and sacred tradition of serving a multitude of flavors, a custom which began with the sainted Ga'on of V'nila (may his memory be a dressing), who first claimed the mitzvah of Hachnassat ice cream. His desciples, known as the Eggnogdim, carried on for generations a debate with the followers of the Baal Shempaine over which scoop to put on top. Today, we abide by the decisions of the Ga'on's school, and we have adopted his famous slogan, "Talmond Tort K'neggnog Coolime."


FLAVORS: Maccabean, Leviticustard, Olive Hashalom, L'chu Vanillcha, Oy Gemalt, Wailing Walnut, Cherry Bim, Yasher Cocoach, Bubble Gumora, Lemontations, Chocolitvak, Hanava Bananot, Meshuganougat, Soda & Gomorra, Manishta Nut, Rachma Nut, Tishba B'Avarian Cream, Moishmallow, Maimonidip ( Rumbomb), Rhubarbanel, Chazalnut, Pear V'Chavod, Citrus D' Achra, Halava-Chomer, Oy Vey Iz Mizrachino Cherry, Rashi Road, Balak Berry, Buberry, Lubavicher Resberre, Shulamit Spumoni, Zalmond Schacter, Abba Ebanana, Bernard Malamint, Molly Pecan, Cin'm'n Toff& Mazel Toffe-ee, Cashew Lepesach, Lehitra Oats, Tzur Marshmalo, Kol HaVodka, Af Al Pecan, Mi Kamocha, Mizrachi Road, Tora Shebe'al Pear, Chuppapaya, M'lo Kol Ha'aretz Avacado, Butter Shkotz, Prune Ur'voon, Brand Ice, Olime Habah, Asseret Yummy Chewvah, Mi Kamarshmallow, Berry Pr'i Hagafen, Britishman Date, Rav Kooconut, Weizman Instituti-Fruittii, Carmel Shake, ChocEilat Chip, S.Y. Agnog.


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Joke 8/4/97: Keeping Up With The Shwartzes


A Rabbi in the middle of his sermon walked to the side of the pupit, kneeled down, placed is head on the floor and said in a loud voice "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".


The Cantor then walked next to the Rabbi, kneeled down, placed his head on the floor and said in a loud voice, "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".


Sam Shwartz in the 4th row of the congregation was so moved he edged out int the aisle, kneeled down, placed his heaqd on the floor and said in a loud voice "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".


At this point the Cantor nudged the Rabbi and whispered, "Look who thinks he's nothing?"


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Joke 9/4/97: Why?


Q - Why did the old Jewish grandmother go to the pawnshop?


A - To 'hock ah chynick'.


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Joke 10/4/97: Pestilence


In a small town in the States the clergyman's council was having a meeting.


The Roman Catholic Priest complained. "Whenever I open up the sacresty for morning mass there are these mice on the altar. I trap them alive, drive them ten miles out of town, release them and within a couple of days they are back."


The Protestant Minister said, "I have the same problem and I release them twenty miles and they still come back within a few days."


The Rabbi said, "I solved the problem. I made keepoth and talitoth and tfillin for them. I taught them the brakhoth and the trope. Then I had a little ceremony for them at which they chanted the brakhoth and the haftarah. Then I never see them again.


JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 12 - MAY, 1997 :) :) ***** *********************************************************************


May, 1997 Joke 1/5/97: Trouble With Language


In a chassidish yeshiva, the class was asked to write a sentence with each of the spelling words. Among the list was 'devout'. One student returned the next day with the following sentence: "My father has long devouts." Upon reading that, thee principal asked the student if he was trying to make a joke out of the assignment. "No," he replied with a serious look, "I looked it up in the dictionary, and it said, 'pious'."


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Joke 2/5/97: The Haggadah In Computer Command Language (Although a version of this joke appeared in a previous issue of Jewish Humor; it is being reissued before Pessach by popular demand!)


Release ISRAEL


ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release


Set ISRAEL;mode master


Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL


Set Pharaoh;mode slave


Command ignored


Load Moshe


Done


Deactivate Pharaoh


Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated


For i 1 to 10 do plagues


Are you sure? Y


Done


Release ISRAEL


error: ISRAEL uninitialized


Set ISRAEL 600,000


Done


Release ISRAEL


ISRAEL released


Declare Matza;array(width ,length ,height 0)


Done


Move ISRAEL to Sinai


OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA


HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!


Save ISRAEL


Specify save device


Save ISRAEL with miracle


Done


Move ISRAEL to Sinai


Done


For I 1 to 10 do commandments


Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active golden calf routine


Destroy calf


Done


For I 1 to 10 do commandments


Done; commandments stored on hard rock device


Move ISRAEL to desert


Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop


Move ISRAEL to desert;limit 40 years


Done


Build Mishkan


Syntax error


Build Mishkan;owner Betzalel


Done


Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL


Warning: operand terms must be unique


Move ISRAEL to CANAAN


Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN


set ISRAEL ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)


Done


Move ISRAEL to CANAAN


Done


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Joke 3/5/97: All In A Day's Work


Henry Schwartz had a furniture store in a small midwestern city. His customers came from several miles away to buy furniture at his store as it was well known for having top quality furniture at very reasonable prices. His accountant came in twice a year to go over his figures. Last week he told Henry that his inventory was too high and was causing cash-flow problems. So Henry decided to run an ad which read as follows: CASH SALE ONE DAY ONLY 40% OFF ON ALL MERCHANDISE IN THE STORE, SALE STARTS NOON TOMORROW! People who saw the ad got very excited. It was now 11:45am and a big line had formed measuring over 5 blocks long. The first man in line was nearly 7 feet tall. He had got there at 5am so that he would have first choice at the furniture that he had been looking at previously. Suddenly, a little Jewish man cut in front of him. He was so enraged that he punched the little guy in the jaw and sent him sprawling. The little fellow got up slowly, brushed himself off and then again cut in front of the 7 footer. Immediately, he was decked again. A police officer, seeing the big crowd had driven by and had witnessed the 2nd punching event. He said to the little guy, "are you alright and what's going on here?" The little Jewish guy answered him, "Officer, if that guy punches me again, I'm not going to let him in my store!"


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Joke 4/5/97: What's The Difference?


Q - What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?


A - You can negotiate with the terrorist!


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Joke 5/5/97: Ford


It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.


"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry. " Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building.


Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"


"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."


Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"


Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."


"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!"


They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.


And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:


HI NORM MAX


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Joke 6/5/97: The Talit


The man went to the Chinese laundry to pick up his talit.


He was told the bill was $300. "$300, for what!" he asked.


"$5 for the cleaning and $295 for getting out all the knots." came the reply.


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Joke 7/5/97: Got A Light?


A man wanted to stop smoking and figured that if he found a halachic prohibition for smoking, it would be a good incentive.


So first he goes to a Reform rabbi. The Reform rabbi says, "I can't give you halachic prohibitions for anything!" Then he goes to a Conservative rabbi. The rabbi says, "You have to follow your heart and mind and do what you feel is right."


Then he goes to an Orthodox rabbi. When he gets to the rabbi's study, there is smoke coming out from under the door. He opens the door and can hardly see because there is so much smoke. The rabbi is puffing away at cigarette after cigarette. The man says, "Rabbi, have you found a heter for smoking?" And the rabbi says, "No, I sold my lungs to a goy!"


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Joke 8/5/97: The Dr. Seuss Version Of The Four Questions


why is it only on Passover night we never know how to do anything right? we don't eat our meals in the regular ways, the ways that we do on all other days.


'cause on all other nights we may eat all kinds of wonderful good bready treats, like big purple pizza that tastes like a pickle, crumbly crackers and pink pumpernickel, sassafras sandwich and tiger on rye, fifty falafels in pitas, fresh fried, with peanut-butter and tangerine sauce spread onto each side up and down, then across, and toasted whole-wheat bread with liver and ducks, and crumpets and dumplings, and bagels and lox, and doughnuts with one hole and doughnuts with four and cake with six layers, and windows and doors, yes on all other nights we eat all kinds of bread, but tonight of all nights we munch matzah instead.


And on all other nights we devour vegetables, green things, and bushes and flowers lettuce that's leafy and candy-striped spinach, fresh silly celery (have more when you're finished!) cabbage that's flown from the jungles of Glome by a polka-dot bird who can't find his way home, daisies and roses and inside-out grass and artichoke hearts that are simply first class! Sixty asparagus tips served in glasses with anchovy sauce and some sticky molasses-- but on Passover night you would never consider eating an herb that wasn't all bitter.


And on all other nights you would probably flip if anyone asked you how often you dip. On some days I only dip one Bup-Bup egg in a teaspoon of vinegar mixed with nutmeg but sometimes we take more than ten thousand tails of the Yakkity-birds that are hunted in Wales, and dip them in vats full of Mumbegum juice. Then we feed them to Harold, our six-legged moose.


Or we don't dip at all! We don't ask your advice. So why on this night do we have to dip twice?


And on all other nights we can sit as we please, on our heads, on our elbows, our backs or our knees, or hang by our toes from the tail of a Glump or on top of a camel with one or two humps, with our foot on the table, our nose on the floor, with one ear in the window and one out the door, doing somersaults over the greasy K'nishes or dancing a jig without breaking the dishes, yes-- on all other nights you sit nicely when dining-- So why on this night must it all be reclining?


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Joke 9/5/97: Heaven


A famous rabbi goes to Heaven to meet his Maker. He sits in the waiting room hour after hour, waiting for his sins to be weighed against his good deeds. The line moves very slowly. All of a sudden, he sees a new fellow come in, go straight to the head of the line, get weighed and sent straight to Eden.


Now the rabbi, who has been very patient, gets up, dusts himself off, and goes to complain. "Who was that fellow, that he got such treatment, while I have been sitting here for hours?"


"Why, he's an Israeli bus driver."


"What?!", the rabbi says. "How could it be that a man like that waltzes right in, immediately gets weighed and sent right through the Pearly Gates, while I, a famous rabbi, the leader of a large congregation, am kept waiting for hours in doubt?"


"Well," the angels tell him, "it's really quite simple. When you get up to make a speech, you cause hundreds of people to fall asleep. But when an Israeli bus driver sits down to drive his bus, he causes forty people to pray!!!


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Joke 10/5/97: Pay Up!


The Freilich and Frum Congregation, of Monsey N.Y.; to address simultaneously two long standing problems in the Orthodox community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable behavior and fines for violations:


BEHAVIOR FINES


Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha ------------------------ $ 36 Surcharge for snoring ---------------------------------------- 54 Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72 Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180 Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270 Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360 Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18 Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54 Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72 Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180 Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360 Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900 Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36 Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36 Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54 Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180 Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72 Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360 (Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes) Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36 Kicking person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90 Surcharge if evictee uses cane ------------------------------- 90 Surcharge if evictee uses walker ----------------------------- 180 Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90 Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180 Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36 Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54 Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90 Remaining in Shul with crying baby: First minute ------------------------------------------------- 54 Next 60 minutes ---------------------------------------------- 72 Kol Nidre surcharge ------------------------------------------ 36 Communicating with spouce across the mechitza: Hand signals ------------------------------------------------- 18 Shouting ----------------------------------------------------- 36 Smoke signals (Shabbos) -------------------------------------- 54 Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36 Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54 Leaving lipstick imprint on suddur --------------------------- 54 Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108 Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu: 1 coat ------------------------------------------------------ Free 2-4 coats ---------------------------------------------------- 36 Wrong coat --------------------------------------------------- 54



the following are said to be actual bmper stickers...


* Horn broken. Watch for finger. * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * All generalizations are false. * Cover me. I'm changing lanes. * I brake for no apparent reason. * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. * I'm not as think as you drunk I am. * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I love cats...they taste just like chicken. * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. * Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. * Born free...Taxed to death. * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. * Rehab is for quitters. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Work is for people who don't know how to fish. * Montana -- At least our cows are sane! * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * If you don't like the news, go out and make some. * When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.. * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. * No radio - Already stolen. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? * How can I miss you if you won't go away? * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * i souport publik edekashun. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? * Ever stop to think and forget to start again?


another donation by a fellow list member of "the weekly joke"





From an actual insurance form claim S.C. Anderson PO Box 4321 Minnetonka, MN 98765


Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review PO Box 6789 New York, NY 12345


Dear Sir,


I'm writing in response to your request for additional information.


In block #3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of the accident. In your letter you said that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details should be sufficient.


I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 3 story building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 300 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the 3rd floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went to to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope while holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of bricks.


You will note in block #2 of the accident report form that I stated I weighed 165 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and did not let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.


Slowed down only slightly by the barrel I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, I retained conciseness and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain and injuries.


At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel broke out. Devoid of the weight of the bricks the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrate were cracked.


I'm sorry to report however as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand or move, I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down and broke both of my legs.


I hope I furnished the information that you need to complete the processing of my claim and that you understand how the accident occurred by trying to do the job alone.


Sincerely,


S. Anderson donated by a fellow list member....


p.s--- thank you all for the many donations ! :)



A woman goes to see her Doctor to complain about her husband. "Doctor, my husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years now, and he has stopped making love to me." The Doctor replied: "Here, take this potion and give your husband three drops of it in his tea just before you go to bed. That should do the trick." On the following day, the woman returns to the doctor. "Oh Doctor, it was wonderful last night. My husband and I made love and kissed and cuddled before we went to sleep. It was great! Do you think it would be okay if I gave him 5 drops tonight?" The Doctor replied: "Well I suppose it can't do any harm, if you think you are up to it." The next morning, the woman returns: "Oh Doctor, what a fantastic potion you gave me. My husband and I made love all night and we even tried out some of that kinky stuff he was always dreaming of. Do you think I should give him twenty drops tonight?" To her the Doctor replied: "I would be a bit concerned about that much. Nobody has ever taken so much in one go, so I will leave the decision up to you. But be careful!" On the following day, the woman returns yet again, glowing with happiness, but obviously walking in some pain. "Oh Doctor, you won't believe how fantastic my night was. I didn't sleep at all last night. My husband and I were at it for 10 hours non-stop, made love in 15 different positions, and I just can't wait till he gets home tonight. I think I will give him the whole bottle this time!" The Doctor replied very cautiously: "I am not so sure if this is a good idea. This was definetly never tired before, but make sure you let me know tomorrow what happened." On the following morning, a little boy comes into the Doctor's practice. "Are you the jerk that gave my mother that potion?" The Doctor answered: Yes, Why? What happened? Where is your mother?". "My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, I can hardly walk and my Dad's running around the house calling 'Here kitty, kitty.......'".


JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 13 - JUNE, 1997 :) :) ***** *********************************************************************


June, 1997


Joke 13/1/97: Those Were The Days...


One cold winter day, In Moscow, prior to the days of Perestroika, word arrived that a truck full of meat was due to arrive at 9:00 the next morning. So, starting about 4 in the morning, hundreds of people starting lining up in front of the butcher shop.


So they stood, with snow falling heavily all night, until just before the scheduled time, the butcher appeared and yelled "The truck is stuck in the snow about 200 kilometers from here, and it is smaller than we had thought. So, all you Jews might as well leave, because they'll be no meat for you." About one-third of those waiting left the line, and trudged away, grumbling.


Then, at noon, the butcher appeared again and said to those who had continued to wait during the falling snow. "The truck is on the way, but they had to leave a lot of the meat there, because it was too heavy. It should be here about 5:00. But, we have only enough meet for members of the Party. All non-Party members should leave. About two-thirds of those remaining, left.


At 5:00 o'clock, after the party faithful had been waiting all day, with the snow still falling, the butcher reappeared. "Go home! There will be no meat truck today."


As they left, one Party member said to the other, "You know, those damned Jews have all the luck!!"


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Joke 13/2/97: Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings


If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!


Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.


Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.


Cancer--schmancer! - as long as you're healthy.


Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.


If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.


You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.


If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.


You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.


Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.


One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie abed 'til noon.


For dying, you always have time.


When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.


Silence is the fence around wisdom.


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Joke 13/3/97: Lord, Lord, Thou Knowest How It Is!


And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the Ark which I have commanded thee to build?"


And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down. Yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon twelve months. What can I do, O Lord?"


And God said unto Noah: "I want that Ark finished even after seven days and seven nights."


And Noah said: "It will be so." And it was not so.


And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to be the trouble this time?"


And Noah said unto the Lord: "Mine subcontractor hath gone, alas, bankrupt. The pitch which though commandedst me to put on the outside and the inside of the Ark hath not arrived. The canvas, although on hand, is not the right color. The pipefitter hath gone on strike. Shem, my son, who helpeth me on the Ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone."


And the Lord grew angry and said: "And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the Earth?"


And Noah said: "They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday."


And the Lord said: "How about the unicorn and the fowls of the air by sevens?"


And Noah wrung his hands and wept saying: "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. The peacocks even then, are on back order for weeks to come. Lord, Lord, thou knowest how it is."


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Joke 13/4/97: How Many... ?


Q: How many Ba`alei Teshuvah does it take to change a light bulb?


A: Are we allowed to do that?


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Joke 13/5/97: The Present


His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.


"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"


"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."


"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"


"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"


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Joke 13/6/97: The Job


An elderly Jew saw a ad in a magazine that said, "Lumberjacks needed in the Canadian North Woods".


He flew up and reported for a job. The six foot three foreman looked down at the five foot two Jew and explained that they cut trees with axes and it takes brawn, which obviously he didn't have.


The Jew said just give me a test. So they hands him a ax and said go chop down that tree. The Jew with four strokes, zip, zap, zoop, shlip, cut the tree down.


The foreman complimented him, but explained that he was being kind, because that wasn't the kind they cut down, it was the kind they plant. The he said, pointing to a monster tree, those are the kind we cut down.


The Jew went over to the big tree and with ten strokes, zip, zap, zoop, shlipp, flop, blam, boom, crack, crunch, bim, he cut down the tree. With that the foreman said, "You're hired, but where did you get the experience?."


The Jew said, "In the Sahara Forest."


The foreman said," You mean the Sahara desert, don't you?"


And the Jew said, "Sure, Now!"


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Joke 13/7/97: The Schlimazel


There was once a poor man named Shlomo who lived in small shack with sod roof and a dirt floor on the very outskirts of town. Shlomo was also cursed with the worst luck imaginable and as a result was known to all as Shlomo the Schlimazel.


Poor Shlomo's day always started out the same, he would rise from bed at dawn, dress, and prepare a meager breakfast. This poor meal consisted of a piece of black bread schmeared with schmaltz. Alas, since Shlomo was a true schlimazel, he always managed to knock the piece of schmaltzed bread from the table to the dirt floor of his simple home. The bread, of course, always landed schmaltz side down.


One fine spring morning Shlomo prepared his schmaltzed bread in the same manner as always and also managed to knock it to the floor, as always. But this day it was as if HaShem himself smiled on Shlomo and lo the bread landed schmaltz side up! "This is a sign," Shlomo exclaimed, "It must mean that I am no longer a schlimazel!" Shlomo ran immediately to the home of the saintly and revered Rabbi Dovid ben Moshe in the adjacent town and after relating the events of this morning, asked imploringly, "Rabbi, does this mean that I am no longer a schlimazel?"


The saintly and revered Rabbi Dovid ben Moshe pondered for a few minutes before replying sadly, "I'm afraid, friend Shlomo, that because you are a true schlimazel, all it means is that today you schmeared the schmaltz on the wrong side of the bread."


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Joke 13/8/97: Woof


Q- What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?


A- Eventually the Rottweiler lets go...


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Joke 13/9/97: Four Score And Ten Years Ago...


Be'erech a yoivel and a half ago, the meyasdim shtelled avek on this makom a naiya malchus with the kavana that no one should have bailus over their chaver, and on this yesoid that everyone has the zelba zchusim. We're holding by a geferliche machlolkes being machria if this medina, or an andere medina made in the same oifen and with the same machshovos, can have a kiyum. We are all mitztaref on the daled amos where a chalois of that machloikes happened in order to be mechabed the soldiers who dinged zich with each other. We are here to be koiveia chotsh a chelek of that karka as a kever the bekavodike soldiers who were moiser nefesh and were niftar to give a chiyus to our nation. Yashrus is mechayev us to do this. Lemaise, hagam the velt won't be goires or machshiv what we speak out here, it's zicher not shayach for them to forget what they tued uf here. We are mechuyav to be meshabed our selves to the melocha in which these soldiers made a haschala - that vibalt they were moiser nefesh for this eisek, we must be mamash torud in it - that we are all mekabel on our selves to be moisif on their peula so that their maisim should not be a bracha levatulla - that Hashem should give the gantze oilam a naiya bren for cheirus - that a nation that shtams by the oilam, by the oilam, by the oilam, will blaib fest ahn oilam.


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Joke 13/10/97: The Eternal Jewish Truths OR You Grandmother's Bible The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.


If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.


If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.


After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.


Who else could have invented the 50-minute hour?


Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?


WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.


Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.


Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.


Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.


Never pay retail.


No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; then again, no one leaves with a hangover.


And what's so wrong with dry turkey?


Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.


Always whisper the names of diseases.


If you don't eat, it will kill me.


Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.


The two most important words to know in any language - "On Sale."


Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.


Never take a front-row seat at a bris.


Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.


Next year in Jerusalem; The year after that, how about a nice cruise?


Important Jewish holidays are ones which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.


A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.


Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?


Before you read the menu, read the prices.


There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult; this usually happens at around age 45.


Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who's father is a bricklayer.


No meal is complete without leftovers.


What business is a yente in? Yours.


If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.


Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.


Laugh now, but one day you too will be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.


Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE".....


An 83-year old women decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest way method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.


So she shot herself in the left kneecap. another donation by a fellow list member of the weekly joke........


p.s.-- note the weekly jokes new address......


1. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
Litre Vino.
4. A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guy asks, "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it."
5. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
6. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
8. Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
10. A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. -- ******************************************
Put the cart before the horse, the view is better!


Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved. That would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!" DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE".....



An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE".....



There are two signs in Heaven...one says "Hen Pecked Husbands" and the other sign says "Non Henpecked Husbands"


The line for Henpecked husbands is so long you can't see the end of it. The line for Non Henpecked husbands has only one man on it.


When asked how he got onto the Non Henpecked Husbands line, the lone man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + +



"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would just shake his head no. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, "You wanna sell that mule?" "DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"


Daily Humor: A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish... "Id like to give birth to twins".


"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "How old are you?"


The Mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."


The girl then asked, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"


Her Mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up".


The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy? Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"


The Mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."


The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card. It tells you everything."


Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."


The Mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart how do you know that?"


The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."


The mother is again caught off guard. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"


The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ' F ' in sex."



"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"


********************************************************************* ***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 14 - SEPTEMBER, 1997 ) :) *****

September, 1997

Joke 14/1/97: The Genie


Friddel was cleaning her attic and found a beautiful old lamp. As she rubbed off the dust a genie popped out.


"Thank you for releasing me from this prison," the genie said. "To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish."


"Wonderful," Friddel said in surprise. She reached for her atlas and pointed to maps of the Middle East. "The people here have been fighting for as long as I can remember. My one wish is to bring peace to this land."


"Um, that's a little too..." he stammered as he looked at the maps. "These people...they've been...it goes way back...I'm afraid you're just going to have to make another wish."


"Too bad," the woman said sadly. "Could you at least help the Orioles win the pennant this year?"


The genie thought a moment, then opened his hand. "Hmmm, let me see those maps again..."


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Joke 14/2/97: The Suit


Yossel goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.


"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."


"But the collar is up around my ears!"


"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it."


"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Yossel cries in desperation.


"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."


So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossel lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by.


"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"


"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."


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Joke 14/3/97: The Rabbis


Overheard at a Conference of Reform Rabbis:


Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?


A: Change?


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Joke 14/4/97: Back To School


Saddam Hussein is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".


One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."


"No," Hussein says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."


A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty Iraqi children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."


"I'm afraid not," explains Hussein. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."


The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Hussein, "Is there no one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Yassar Arafat, Colonel Kaddafi, and Saddam Hussein were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."


"Wonderful!" Hussein beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"


"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"


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Joke 14/5/97: Nisht in Shabbos Gereht


(Note for the uninitiated: "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht" is an expression that religious Jews use on the Sabbat when they are about to say something inappropriate for discussion on the Sabbat day.)


These two guys are sitting in Shul on Shabbat morning when the first guy says to the second, rather quietly and secretively. "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but I've just put my car up for sale."


The second guy responds, just as quietly and just as secretively. "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but what kind of car is it?"


First guy: "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but it's a Cadillac, late model, low mileage, and is in creampuff condition."


Second Guy. "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but how much are you asking for it?"


First Guy. "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but I'm asking 15 thousand dollars."


Second Guy. "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but let me think about it."


They meet again in the afternoon at Mincha, when the second guy corners the first guy and says quietly, "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but I'll offer you 12 for it."


The first guy responds. "Nisht in Shabbos Gereht, but I sold it already."


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Joke 14/6/97: The Flight


The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel."


No answer.


A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel."


No answer from anyone.


A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.


Still no answer from anyone.


Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.


Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."


"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"


Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitkadash ..."


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Joke 14/7/97: Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament - Lamentations of the Father


-- Laws of Forbidden Places:


Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.


Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.


-- Laws When at Table:


And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.


Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.


When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.


When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.


Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.


And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.


Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.


-- Laws Pertaining to Dessert:


For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.


But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.


But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.


And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.


-- On Screaming:


Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.


Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.


-- Concerning Face and Hands:


Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.


And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.


Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.


-- Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:


Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.


Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.


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Joke 14/8/97: Another Lightbulb


Q. How many Lubabavitchers does it take to change a lightbulb?


A. None, it never died.


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Joke 14/9/97: Tradition


Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.


John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.


"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"


The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history."


The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed.


Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper.


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Joke 14/10/97: Who Is An Israeli?


An Israeli is someone who signals left, but turns right.


An Israeli is someone who knows what's better for you than you do.


An Israeli is someone who goes to Cyprus for the weekend and has his entire family waiting for him at the airport when he gets back.


An Israeli is someone with 1,000 excuses as to why he couldn't do whatever it was you asked of him.


An Israeli is someone who spits his cigarette out his car window in Israel and in the next breath complains that the streets abroad are much cleaner than the ones at home.


An Israeli is someone who'll curse you at a stoplight, cut in front of you in line, recognize you from the army if you bump into him abroad, and start up a conversation with you if you're sitting across from him in the Kupat Cholim waiting room.


An Israeli is someone who sits in his living room and uses his cellular phone to call his wife in the next room and tell her to bring him some sunflower seeds.


An Israeli is someone who will drive two and a half hours to save NIS 50 by shopping at the shuk but when he gets back to his car he'll find a parking ticket for NIS 100.


An Israeli is someone who loves life in Israel, especially when he's abroad.


An Israeli is someone who isn't embarrassed to ask you how much money you make.


An Israeli is someone who can bankrupt an "all you can eat" restaurant.


An Israeli is someone who will do anything to get out of reserve duty in times of peace, and will do anything to be able to serve during times of war.


An Israeli is someone who hopes for the best and prepares for the worst.


An Israeli is someone who will praise and support you only after you're dead.


An Israeli is someone who knows the answer before you ask the question.


An Israeli is someone who does not know how to say "please", "excuse me" or "thank you" but in your hour of need will walk through fire to lend you a hand, because his prickly exterior hides a heart of gold.


"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"
There was a guy in a theater, sprawled out over three seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled, but didn't answer, so the usher went to get the manager.


The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." Again, the guy mumbled, but didn't answer.


So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister, What's your name?" The man said, "Pete." The cop asked, "Where ya' from, Pete?" He replied, "The balcony!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Her skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more, but she still can't get on, and lowers the zipper a third time.


Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!" To which he replies, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times, either."


_________________________________________________________

"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse!

I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

______________________________________________________

A horse and a baby chick are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the baby chick to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The baby chick runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the baby chick and horse were playing in the meadow again and the baby chick fell into the mud hole. The baby chick yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can help you. I will stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the baby chick did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"


World's Reaction to Lady Di's Death


The following illustrates how Diana's death was reported in various parts of the world:

English Channel:a tragic event has afflicted Great Britain today, Lady Di and her multimillionaire companion had a fateful accident. The United Kingdom morns the beloved princess. Prime minister resigns.
German Channel: The German people expresses its deep sorrow for the tragic accident and wishes to remind that the Mercedes car was left almost intact. A spokesman for the German car industries reminded that if the road had been made according to GERMAN standard none of this would have ever happened.
Hezbollah Channel: A zionist commando has brutally murdered a Muslim multimillionaire and his converting western girlfriend. The action commanded by the Mossad was designed to impair a fruitful relation between the Arab world and the repenting members of the Royal family. In the action, two Hezbollah fighters were slightly wounded and a Israeli gunship was downed. Seven [occupation] soldiers were also reported killed.
Jordan TV: Chairman Arafat calls for an international conference talk in order to stop the Zionist expansion in the territories and all acts of violence from any side, referring to the Israeli involvement in the brutal murder of Princess Diana.
Israeli Channel: A terrible event stroke the Royal family today: Lady Di dies in an apparent accident. The remains of an Arab suspect was found besides Lady Di's body. Shaback is investigating all possibilities and first elements of inquiry points to Iranian links. The suicide terrorist is said to have come from Egypt but his identity remains classified for the purpose of the inquiry. Fortunately, no Israeli casualty is to be deplored. The security cabinet will meet tonight late in the evening, deciding if further steps against the Palestinian Authority must be taken, but meanwhile, taxes will be raised by 17%.
French Channel: A Frenchman, Jean-pierre Lardel, father of two, was killed in the line of duty, driving a couple of French-non-speaking foreigners. Jean-Pierre was a devoted husband, a kind person, and friendly to everyone. President Chirac considers awarding him the Legion d'honneur post mortem. As far as the brit and her arab boyfriend are concerned, they crashed in their German made car.

---- End of forwarded message ----

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.


She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"


The Kuwaiti Woman Replied: "Land mines."

"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"


Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside." Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "GET OFF MY *!#%*!!**$%^! OXYGEN HOSE!!"



"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"


********************************************************************* ****** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 15 - OCTOBER, 1997 ) :) ******

October, 1997


Joke 15/1/97: Bennie

There was once guy named Bennie from the old Lower East Side of York City who was wandering around the Negev in Israel without a professional guide. Coming across an ancient hannukia he tried to shine it and sure enough out of the shammash popped a Jewish genie.

You can have anything you want said the Jewish genie on the condition you do not shave your face but in fact grow a nice long traditional beard.

Unfortunately Bennie was a selfish sort of guy. Instead of giving tzedakah or perhaps even curing cancer he ended up in Saudi Arabia living like an oil wealthy sheik surrounded by beautiful exotic women and a different Mercedes with a different chauffeur for every time he had to go to the rest room.

However as time went by his long long beard became increasingly uncomfortable. He called in his private security force, locked all the doors of his castle and sent for the best barber in the land who gave him a delightful smooth shave.

As soon as the barber put down the razor Bennie was turned into dust and put into a little bronze pot.

So what you may ask is the moral to this sad story?

A Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned!


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Joke 15/2/97: Congregation Ahavas Nashim V'kesef

During the past holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over seating arrangements in the shul. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the shul office as soon as possible.

I wish to be placed in a seat next to someone so we can discuss the following topics:

--stock market
--sports
--fashion news
--general gossip
--my neighbors
--my relatives
--the rabbi
--the chazan
--the gabbai
--(other)______________________________


I wish to be seated in a seat where:

--I can see my spouse over the mechitza
--I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
--I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
--My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse over the mechitza
--No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
--I can sleep during services
--I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (additional charges)


I wish to be located next to the following so that I may obtain free professional advise:

--Lawyer
--Doctor
--Chiropractor
--Accountant
--Stockbroker
--Real estate agent
--Dentist
--(other)_________________


Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:


__________________________


__________________________


__________________________


__________________________


Your name ______________________________________________________


Phone number ___________________________________________________


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Joke 15/3/97: It's All Relative


Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated in the state prison. The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life." The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week. "Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."


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Joke 15/4/97: Buzz Off


One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.


"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee. "Great!" replies the second. The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."


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Joke 15/5/97: Jews In Space


In a stunning development, we have learned that there is life on Mars -- but not the kind that had been anticipated. The first indication, based on the current U.S. space mission, came when the small roving vehicle called Sojourner spotted a sign on the rocky terrain of Red Planet that read, "Welcome To Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach Now." The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists back in Houston, who had no idea what it meant. Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed the presence of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of Lubavitch chasidim, known for their tireless efforts to reach Jews in the most remote regions, urging them to perform mitzvot. "We've been here for some time now doing our work," said a cheerful Rabbi Lou Steinwalker, captain of the spaceship "Enterprise 770", in an exclusive phone interview. When asked how long he had been on Mars and how he got there, he said only, "where there's a will, there's a way." He then excused himself, explaining that it was time for prayer and he was looking for a minyan. In a subsequent phone call, the Rabbi noted that in recent days another synagogue has been formed on Mars -- a reform congregation that he would not set foot in. Following up on that information, we contacted Rabbi Uri Negev, a Reform leader in Israel, who said that when he had met secretly with the chief rabbis of Israel in Jerusalem recently, they told him that if Reform Jews wanted to pray in peace, they should go to Mars. "So we did," said Rabbi Negev, "and no one has bothered us, except the local Conservative congregation that keeps trying to borrow our membership list." A Conservative congregation on Mars? Yes, it is true, acknowledged a leader of the Jewish Theological Seminary. "We discovered that blending Jewish law and modernity just doesn't work on earth, and we're always looking for new venues," explained Rabbi Ismore Sources. The rabbi complained bitterly of financial competition from the United Jewish Appeal-Interplanetary Division, which has been scouring Mars via satellite in search of potential donors. Stephen Solomon, the chief executive of the charity acknowledged that highly motivated fund-raisers have been active throughout the galaxy for several light years. "We've determined through a Strategic Planet Plan that our most compelling marketing strategy is rescue," he said. "The trouble is we haven't found anyone out there to save!" That's been a problem, as well, for Abraham Loxsmith of the Anti-Defamation League. "We are prepared to open a major branch on Mars, and we've already ordered the press releases and fax papers. But, so far, no one has defamed us." Loxsmith is considering whether the lack of defamation may be due to a form of active, even hostile, disinterest in Jews that qualifies as anti-Semitism. All this sudden interest among Jews about Mars has motivated Malcolm Phoneline to form a new umbrella group, the Conference of Presidents of Major Martian Jewish Organizations (CPMMJO). He said the group has already received several calls from anonymous rabbis inquiring as to whether there were any Pell grants available on Mars. Meanwhile, a number of kosher-for-Passover tours have scouted out the Red Planet as a unique alternative to places like Palm Springs and Hawaii for Jaded holiday vacationers. One tour operator noted that Rabbi Orson Vells has already been hired to conduct and broadcast the communal seders, to be called "The War Of The Words," and that space stations are under construction to transport large supplies of oxygen, horseradish and shmura matzah for the eight-day festival. "It will be out of this world," the travel expert said, "and, I assure you, very tastefully done." Tourism might be effected adversely, though, by a late report that Palestinian authorities are claiming entitlement to 92 percent of Mars, asserting that Arab ties to the planet can be traced back to the Koran.


**************************************************************************

Joke 15/6/97: More Jews In Space

Shloime - Did you hear, Isreal just took over the Russian space station.
Moishie - Really, what happened?
Shloime - They re-named it the Oy-Vehs-Mir.


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Joke 15/7/97: Food For Thought

A Jew is walking through the woods, and suddenly meets a gigantic bear. The bear growls and the man knows that soon he will be eaten by this bear, so he falls to the ground and starts praying to G-d. All of a sudden he hears the bear speaking Hebrew! He exclaims: "I am saved! The only Jewish bear in the world!" So he starts to thank G-d, and listens to what the bear is saying. The bear says: "Baruch ata .... hamotzi lechem min haaretz".

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Joke 15/8/97: The Shrink

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

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Joke 15/9/97: The New ArtScroll Shakespeare

Introducing the New Artscroll Shakespeare.
The complete works of the Gaon of Avon are brought to you in one beautiful imitation-leather bound volume.
"All that glisters ..."
Printed on shiny white paper with a little gold leaf on the edges, no family can afford to miss the Launcelot Gobbo Edition printed in memory of "my old master the Jew zal"
"Gifts of rich value, yet I have not seen"
Never before have the Histories, Tragedies, Comedies and Sonnets been arranged with such attention to the classic style and the modern reader.

The ArtScroll Shakespeare combines the original texts with the ommentaries of the classical meforshim. Annotations and footnotes will help both the scholar and relative newcomer develop chochma and ahavos Shakespeare. Stage directions by the leading poskim are incorporated into the texts with a full reference section at the back, based on the Sheilos and Tshuvos of the Yorick zal.

The ArtScroll Shakespeare is complete with diagrams, charts and pictures. An extended essay section shows how to refute the claims of the scoffers, may the witches' curse be upon them, that the works were not the revelation of one man or that the Midsummernacht Nevuoh is to be understood in a purely allegorical sense, chos ve'sholom.

The ArtScroll Shakespeare will be released this Purim iy"h with its companion volume from Our Famous Lives Series "The Iluiy of Avon", which tells how William ben Chaim Shakespeare mastered Iambic Pentameters by the age of three and had written his first sonnets by the age of five.

Make your bookshelves complete. No Bar Mitzvah should be without it.

**************************************************************************

Joke 15/10/97: The Parrot

A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and inquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:

M: "Do you speak English?" P: "Yes." M: "Hablas Espanol?" P: "Si!" M: "Parlez vouz Francaise?" P: "Oui!" M: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" P: "Jawohl!" M: "Falas Portugues?" P: "Sim." etc.

After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: "Nu? Mit a nose like dis, vot you tink?"


Have you seen the recent news bulletin?
"Terrorists abduct bus load of attorneys."
Note from terrorists: "Unless you meet our demands, we will release one hostage a day!"


A group of Fightin' Marines went into a bar one night and ordered a round of beer's for everyone in the bar!


After the drinks were served, the Marines held their beers up high, shouted, "51 days!", drank their beers, and ordered another round.


Although confused by the toast, the bar tender brought them another round, figuring "Dumb Jarheads!"


This went on and on through the night with round after round of beer followed by glasses held high and shouts of "51 days!" that grew louder with each round.


Finally, the bar tender could stand it no longer and asked one of the Marines, "I'll bring ya'll another beer, but first, what does "51 days!" mean?"


The Marine swelled with pride, put his arm around the bar tender's shoulder, and with a smug grin said, "We just finished a puzzle that said '2-4 years' on the side of the box and it only took US '51 days!!!!'



"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"

COMPUTERS vs AUTO INDUSTRY


Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (16,000km/hr)
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.


In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"


****


If Microsoft Built Cars


1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to reinstall the engine.
For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car95" or a "CarNT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"

 


Useful COMPUTER Acronyms


PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

__________________________________________________________

Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," says the second.
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windsheild washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, " says the second.
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts the first nun.
"Show him your cross," says the second.
So she winds the window down and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!"

"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"


KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship between weightlessness and mortal terror. "By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic." The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly terrified beyond lucidity. Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads. "They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet." "We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not expect." Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?" "Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland." Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.


-_________________________________________


ADAM & WOMAN --------------- One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

"DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF THE WEEKLY JOKE"

JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 16 - NOVEMBER, 1997 ) :) ******

November, 1997

THE GOOD NEWS:


-- Welcome to issue # 16 of Jewish Humor. This issue of Jewish Humor is being sent to over 5,000 subscribers on Earth and 1 astronaut in space - aboard Mir (and that's no joke)!


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Joke 16/1/97: Moishe And The Pope


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.


The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.


The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."


An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

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Joke 16/2/97: The Perfect Rabbi The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed. If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.


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Joke 16/3/97: The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed
15- Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke."
14- Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.
13- Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.
12- Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not he night-life!" T-shirt.
11- You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.
10- Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it "Yom Shakur."
9- As far as you know, circumcisions don't "grow back."
8- Doesnt know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.
7- She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises.
6- Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."
5- Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.
4- Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.
3- His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.
2- "And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the temple, there'll be four more months of summer."
and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed...
1- Took off all of LAST month for Ramadan.


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Joke 16/4/97: Boris, Bill and Bibi


G-d, having decided to destroy the word, reveals His intention to 3 world leaders: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bibi Netanyahu.

Boris Yeltsin, in an address to the Russian people, said: "I have bad news, and more bad news. First of all, in contrast to what we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. Secondly, He intends to destroy the world."

At the same time, in an address to the American people, Bill Clinton said: "There's good news and bad news. First of all, as we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. The bad news is that He intends to destroy the world."

At the same time, in an address to the Israeli people, Bibi Netanyahu said: "There's good news and more good news. First of all, as we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. Furthermore, based on what He said to me, I can assure you that a Palestinian state will not be established."


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Joke 16/5/97: Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible


The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

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Joke 16/6/97: Team Sports

Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.

Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced. "They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

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Joke 16/7/97: A Day At The Races


A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Schule in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d bless you."


The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money she says?" "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." "You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.


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Joke 16/8/97: The Conversion A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: ......"Born a Jew .......Raised a Jew .......Now a Catholic." The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: ......"Born a cow .......Raised a cow .......Now a fish."


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Joke 16/9/97: Ring Ring


Billy Graham went to see the pope in Rome. As he was waiting in the anteroom, Billy noiticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to His Holiness, he asked, "What's the red phone for?" "That's to talk to God," came the reply. "Really!" Reverend Graham gasped. "How much is that call?" "Well, it's $20,000 a minute, but well worth it!" answered the pope. A while later, Mr. Graham went to see the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," inquired a startled Billy Graham, "that this phone is to talk to God?" "Yes, it is!" came the reply. "And how much does that cost?" he inquired. "Why, it's twenty cents a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi. "How come so cheap?" Billy asked. "The pope has a phone like that and it costs $20,000 a minute!" "Well," grinned the chief rabbi, "From here it's a LOCAL call!"


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Joke 16/10/97: Under Contract


The board of the synogogue was having a meeting about the Rabbi's new contract. The president finally came out and said, "Rabbi, we can give you the new house, the new car and the $20,000 raise, but we can't give you the new Tallis." The Rabbi said, "What--you give me all those other things and can't give me a new Tallis--why?" "Because," replied the President, "those fringe benefits will kill us!"

 

DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE"

What is the Queen going to buy Sarah Fergusson for Christmas? A black limousine and a trip to Paris.

What was the last thing that Princess Diana had to drink? A Harvey wallbanger with six chasers.

What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? At the London Ritz you get after dinner mints, at the Paris Ritz you get minced after dinner.

Prince Charles was out walking the dog the other day. When a passer-by said "morning," Prince Charles said "no, just walking the dog."

Dodi wanted to go night-clubbing but Diana just wanted to crash.

What does Diana stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident

What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common? They both had a hit with the wall.


Maybe you have seen this before, but still worth a smile... "The Gift" A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE"


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE"


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A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in three days, the waters will wipe out the world. The greatest leaders of the major religions go on worldwide television to make their final plea.

The leader of Buddhism pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.

The Pope goes on television and shakes his fists to the audience, "It is still not too late to accept Jesus!" he cries.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel approaches the podium...stands silent for what seems to be an eternity...looks directly into the lens of the center camera and slowly but solemnly states, "My people"...he pauses once again and continues..."We have three days to learn to live under water"...

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So anyway...on a brighter note... Cohen approaches the secretary of the burial society. "I'm here because my wife is dead, and I have to arrange for her funeral."

"Your wife is dead?" asks the secretary. "How can that be? We buried your wife two years ago!"

"No, no," says Cohen. "That was my first wife. This was my second."

"Really?" says the secretary. "I didn't know you got married again. Mazel Tov!"

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My daughter Samantha likes this one... An American and an Israeli are busy bragging (what are the odds of *that* happening?). The American states, "Oh yeah, well it was the Americans that put the first man on the moon!"

The Israeli scoffs, "Big deal. Israel is working on putting the first man on the SUN!!"

The American re-scoffs, "Idiot! You can't put a man on the sun...he'll burn up!!"

The Israeli smiles winningly, "Shows how much you know...we're going at night!"

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And as long as we're talking about Americans and Israelis... A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan.

"Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.

"What do you do?" says the Texan.

"I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli.

"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"

"Well", says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?"

"Well", says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive...and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."

"Really," replies the Israeli. "I used to have a car like that."

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What's a Jewish joke without a little religion... A disciple once jokingly asked Rabbi Brown, Jr., of Fresno, a Reform rabbi, whether the Messiah would be Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform.

The rabbi thought a brief moment and answered, "Orthodox. That way everyone will eat in his house."

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Another topical one for the way things are going in this country...
A Reform rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth.

On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.

The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"

"Sure," answered God with a smile. "Who can he tell?"

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A little inter-religion funny... A rabbi and a minister were sitting together on a plane.

The stewardess came up to them and asked, "Would you care for a cocktail?"

"Sure" said the rabbi. "Please bring me a Manhattan."

"Fine, sir," said the stewardess. "And you, Reverend?"

"Young lady," he said, "before I touch strong drink, I'd just as soon commit adultery!"

"Oh miss," said the rabbi timidly. "As long as there's a choice...I'll have what he's having."

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The joys of Yiddish... Bernstein visits a kosher Chinese restaurant on the Lower East Side, and to his great surprise, the Chinese waiter addresses him in Yiddish.

On the way out, as he is paying the check, he says to the proprietor, "You run a nice restaurant. And a Chinese waiter who speaks Yiddish...what a gimmick that is!"

"Not so loud," hisses the proprietor. "He thinks we're teaching him English."


A Little Joke.... One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.


"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one,and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another.

Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go

down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE"


There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."


So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

- - - - With the Olympics coming up.....

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!! "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Screamed the exhausted Israeli: "Alright...who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?" - - - - - - - - --

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


If you live here in Israel, you can relate to this one....

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.


"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."


"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"


"A check."

-----------------------------------

During Israel's early years, the Pope paid a visit to the Galilee area and was photographed talking with a high Israeli official. When the photo was published in the Israeli papers, two friends were talking about the event and the picture in the paper. "Which one is the Pope?" asked one of the Israelis.

"He's the one with the yarmulke," said the other.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


-- A nice golf joke for December...


The Pope and the Prime Minister of Israel had a meeting and decided that they should have a two man golf tournament. Each side to supply a golf pro.


The Pope called the Cardinals together and asked them to get Greg Norman to play for them and to tell him that they would make Norman a Cardinal for the day.


After the tournament the Pope called in Norman and asked how he came out.


Poor "Cardinal" Norman dejectedly claimed, "I lost to Rabbi Woods."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- For our politically incorrect crowd....

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spat in it.

The Jew brought back the coke,when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples .... this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------- A father's dream?.......


The father goes to visit his future son-in-law, who he finds deeply involved in studying Torah. He sits down and asks the boy, "So...what are you going to do to make a living?"

"I will study Torah and God will provide", was the young man's response.

"I see...well, how are you going to provide for my daughter?"

"I will study Torah and God will provide", he answered.

"And what about kids. Who's going to support them?!"

"I will study Torah and God will provide".

Upon arriving home that afternoon, the father's wife met him at the door.

"So, what did you find out?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I'm God."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------


Tell me you won't be repeating this one......


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

-------------------------------- -------------------------------------


This one's a little racey.....

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?""No, I'll tell you when"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,

Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

 

--------------------- This one is just plain cute....


Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I vont to go to India." "Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's filled to the brim with Indians." "I vont to go to India." "But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?" "I vont to go to India." The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never- ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru. "Dats OK." Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. "Fine." She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded: "Remember, just three words." Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sheldon, come home."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------


A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... "

 

- - ---- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----


A bubi is walking along the beach in Miami with her 4-year-old grandson. Of course, she has to show him off to her friends.

"Sadie. This is my grandson. He's going to be a doctor. Have you ever seen such a beautiful child?'

Walking along a bit further she sees her friend Rifkah.

"Rifkah. Just look at my gorgeous grandson. Is he not the handsomest boy you've ever seen?"

"Sarah, meet my grandson. Look at his body. There was never such a perfect body on a little boy. And smart. You vouldn't believe how smart he is."

As they continue their walk, a huge tidal wave rolls in, and plucks the little boy right out of his bubi's hands and sweeps him out to sea.

Hysterical, she appeals to G-d. "Please return my grandson to me. He's the apple of my eye. Dear G-d, I couldn't live without him. If you send him back, I'll attend shul every week-end, I'll observe the High Holidays, I'll never eat another piece of unkosher meat."

With that, another great wave hits the beach and the little boy is returned alive and safe beside his frantic bubi. She picks him up, brushes him off and then looks up to the sky.

"He was wearing a hat!"


- - - - - - - - - - -


I did not want to laugh at the following joke, and I couldn't help it. - - - ---


Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz, the chief rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel before the Queen, and as we all know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem. On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting.

The Rabbi was in a quandry, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws.

The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz. The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each person. When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.


Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind: "Ma nish tana halilah hazeh!" The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights"

 

- - - - - - -- A Quickie to wrap things up -- --- - - - -


Q: "How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change light-bulb?" A: None: "It's okay, I will sit here in the dark..."


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."


"You foul-mouthed swine," re-torted the lady indignantly,, "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"


"Hey, coola downa, lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."


-----------------


A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"


DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE"


A hip young man goes out and buys the best bike available: a Morbiduki 918RRSPi. It is the best and most expensive bike in the world, and it runs him $100,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the bike and asks, "What kind of bike ya' got there, sonny?" The young man looks back at him and says, "A Morbiduki 918RRSPi... they cost $100,000." "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this bike can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a closer look?" "Sure," replies the owner. The old man has a really good look at it.... Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice bike, all right!" Just then, the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his bike can do. He gives it full throttle, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 918RRSPi?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "It couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a 918RRSPi?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, and then KaBbbblaMMM, as it plows into the back of his bike, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps off, and sure as anything, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Please unhook my suspenders from your mirror!"


DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF "THE WEEKLY JOKE"


This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"


DONATED BY A FELLOW LIST MEMBER OF-------- "THE WEEKLY JOKE"

- - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling." The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"


thanks Rebbezev!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - --- - -

The temple board president, a very pious jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son has converted to Christianity. He is so besides himself that he goes to talk to the Rebbe, the highest authority he knows.

He says "Rebbe, Rebbe what have I done wrong? I brough him to Temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"

The Rebbe says "Funny ting, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, can not figure out what went wrong, after all I am the Rebbe, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rebbe continues "There is only one thing we can do, we must speak to a higher authority still.

The Rebbe and the Board President make there way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to G-d. They say:"Oh, Adoni, where have we gone wrong, our only sons have shuned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?"

A big booming voice is heard from above to say; "FUNNY TING!"

- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - -


A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.


The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."


The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.


Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.


The man replies: "Chapter 11."


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand

 



The Clinton Update - Round One! ---------------------------------------------------------------

The Clinton Update Q: What's the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic!

Q: Did you hear the results of the survey where 10,000 women were asked if they would sleep with Bill Clinton? A: 72% of all respondents said "not again"!

Q: What's the new offical White House Game? A: Swallow the Leader.

Q: What's the headline on the Washington Post Read? A: Bush finally defeats Clinton.


A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand. "How old are you?", asked the District Attorney. "I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one." "What was that?" "I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old." "Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?" "Kayn aynhoreh, eightly-one." the old man replied. The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the question or be held in contempt of court!" The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I ask?"..and turned towards the old man, "Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?" The old man replied, "Eighty-one"

-----------------------------


During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the isle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

------


Remember...they're only old if you've heard them before... -----------------------


A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are. "Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old." The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

------------------ Thanks, Jacquie! ----------------------------------------


A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai.... G: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!

Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside.... G: Ah, do whatever you want....

---------------------------------


Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.


"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.


Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."


"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"


Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."


Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.


I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.


He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


A man is walking along a street in New York and sees a little tailor's hop called COHEN and O'REILLY.

He goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and he Jews, often at one another's throats, have come together like this...

The little Jewish man seems unmoved...

'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks....

'Well, yes' the man replies, still oozing enthusiasm... 'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's different! It's heartwarming!'

'Vell', says the little Jewish tailor... 'Here's annuder soprize for you...I'm O'Reilly!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."

--------------------------


Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here. After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"

 

----------------------------------
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Thanks everyone, and I love you all!!!



The CIA was looking for a trained assassin. So, they recruited a few candidates and narrowed the choice to three. They called in the first guy, handed him a gun and said - "Your wife is sitting in the next room. Go in there and kill her." He took the gun and entered the room. A few minutes later, he came out crying - "I can't do it!! I can't kill the only woman I've ever loved!!" The CIA officials said "Your dismissed."


They called in the second candidate, handed him a gun and said - "Your wife is sitting in the next room. Go in there and kill her." He took the gun and entered the room. A few minutes later, he came out crying - "I can't do it! I can't kill the mother of my children!!" The CIA officials said "Your dismissed."


They called in the final guy, handed him a gun and said - "Your wife is sitting in the next room. Go in there and kill her." He took the gun and entered the room. Immediately, he emptied the clip BANG BANG BANG... then, there's a few seconds of silence......then, several loud crashes are heard.


The man came out of the room, looked at the CIA officials and said - "Why didn't you tell me there were blanks in the gun?! I had to beat her to death with the chair!"


----------------- A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.

There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

-----------------------------------------------------
Selections from actual Jewish personal ads in Israel from a religious magazine for English speakers...


Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.


Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.


Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.


You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA, DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a meeskite. POB 766.


Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.


I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia,and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.


Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.


Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdoes, please. POB 56.


Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.


Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.


Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

------------------------------------ Thanks, Xaviera. You know I love you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Like I said before... ---------------------------

Voice Mail:


1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons. (DING)


Please hold on while I transfer your call...


Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)


Hello: You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)


Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say? If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)


Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionis rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question, please hang up now. (CLICK)


2. Hello. You have reached heaven. All of our angels are currently busy. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now. Please press 0 for an employee directory.


Thank you for pressing 0 for the employee directory. If you know the first three letters of the deity you are calling, please enter them now...(click, click, click). We're sorry, you have entered a non-working name. Please try again (click, click, click). We're sorry; our system cannot accept G-O-D; please try G-D. (cl-ck, cl-ck, cl-ck).


Hello, this is G-D, I am either away from my desk, or temporarily out of heaven. Your call is important to Me, so at the sound of the harp, please leave your message; I already know your name and number.


3. Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli government. Congratulations on having a telephone. If you are calling for Likud, press 1-9-7-7; if you are calling for Labor, press 1-9-9-3; if you are calling for one of the religious parties, please remember that they do not answer the phone on the Jewish Sabbath. If you are in favor of territorial compromise, press 1-9-6-7; if you are in favor of retaining all of the territories, press 1000 B-C-E; if you wish to speak to a civil servant, don't get your hopes up.


4. Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish Community Relations Council. If you are offended by our position on Israel, please press 1; if you are offended by our position on church-state separation, please press 2; if you are offended by our position on Black-Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think all Soviet Jews should move to Israel, press 4, unless you are calling from North America, in which case pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose a boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if you are calling to propose a boycott of ABS, CBS, NBS, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you are calling to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish community, please hang up and organize your own Jewish agency. Have a consensual day. ---------------------------------- ----------------------



A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around the house with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

---------- It's the spring of 1959 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?", he says. "That's cool", says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go somewhere and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah", says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMNIT DADDY!, IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!"

---------- "A Perfect Penis" Two little boys were at school and heard the word "penis" while they were playing on the school yard. One asked the other if he knew what a penis was. The kid said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home. That evening, the little boy asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?" His dad said," Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you". So they go into the bathroom. His dad lowers his pants and proudly announces," Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis!" The next day at school the little boy finds his friend and they go to the bathroom together. The boy lowers his pants and says, "See that? That's a penis." He pauses for a moment and adds, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis."



--------------------------------

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us...we won...let's eat!

-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. 'Force yourself,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that Al Italia and El Al were merging to form a new airline? It's called "Well I'll tell ya. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Clinton pays a visit to Israel. Bibi takes him to see the Western Wall and explains it to him.

Clinton walks up to the wall and says, "I pray that the Israelis and the Palestinians achieve total peace."

He walks back to Bibi, who says, "you know, when you pray to the Wall, you're praying directly to God."

Clinton walks back to the wall and says, "and I pray that the Israelis give back to the Palestinians all the land they captured in 1967."


He walks back to Bibi, who says, "now, you're talking to the wall."


_--------------------------------------------------


---------------------------------------------------------------


An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver: "Listen", he says,"when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in G-d's name, are you stopping at a green light?" The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris in Brooklyn lived in a big home with his pet dog that he loved for 12 years. His best and only companion. The dog died, and a heart broken Morris went to the Rabbi of his congregation and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature ? "


The Rebbe replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."


Morris said, " So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service ? "


The Rebbe replied, " So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ? --------------------------------------------------

A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.

One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.

When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.

She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........

He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad seremons, that's not bad."

His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

----------------------------------------------------

In recent news.......Discovery.....


German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones...


------------------------------------------------------


16 ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS


Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman


Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.


Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul lastweek? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the maror stain on my tie).


Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.


Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcismof dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.


Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.


Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.


Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?


80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virileJewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.


Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.


Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.


Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.


Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.


Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkahtogether, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.


------------------------------------------------------


We'll start out with the most submitted joke...


A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady.

It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block.

With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? "

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

----------------------------------------------

This one would the #2....

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews.

In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."

Sample Usage Comparisons:

Standard English Phrase: "He walks slowly" Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time" Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen." Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing, lets go to the beach." Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you? ----------------------------------------


Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and say's, "Irv, if you had two of those top of the line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, cd player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one"?

Irv say's, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top of the line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you. "

And so they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and say's, "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me"?

Sol say's, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years, if I had two of those luxury playboy Yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv, I really would give the other one to you".

And so they keep walking. A couple of minutes later Sol turns to Irv, " Irv, if you had two chickens....."

"Now HOLD ON THERE! .... Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens" ---------------------------------------- Here's one for all of us who have had to deal with those annoying phone machines...


1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons. (DING)


Please hold on while I transfer your call... Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)


Hello: You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)


Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say? If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)


Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionist rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question, Please hang up now. (CLICK)


2. Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli government. Congratulations on having a telephone. If you are calling for Likud, press 1-9-7-7; if you are calling for Labor, press 1-9-9-3; if you are calling for one of the religious parties, please remember that they do not answer the phone on the Jewish Sabbath. If you are in favor of territorial compromise, press 1-9-6-7; if you are in favor of retaining all of the territories, press 1000 B-C-E; if you wish to speak to a civil servant, don't get your hopes up.


2. Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish Community Relations Council. If you are offended by our position on Israel, please press 1; if you are offended by our position on church-state separation, please press 2; if you are offended by our position on Black-Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think all Soviet Jews should move to Israel, press 4, unless you are calling from North America, in which case pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose a boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if you are calling to propose a boycott of ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you are calling to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish community, please hang up and organize your own Jewish agency.


Have a consensual day.


------------------------------------ Nuthin' betta than an ol' Yiddishe joke...


Solly can't sleep at all one night. He tosses and turns so much he keeps waking up his wife, Ruth. Eventually she asks "what is the matter Solly, why can't you sleep?" "Oy vey, I owe Moishe $500 and I can't afford to pay him." he replies.


Ruth gets out of bed, opens the window and shouts out "Oi! Sophie, my Solly says he owes your Moishe $500 but can't pay him." with that she turns to Solly saying, "Now you go to sleep and let Moishe worry about it."


---------------------------------------------------------------

Great Salesman


A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."


The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.


"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."


The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"


"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""


********************************************************************** IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.


IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.


IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.


IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.


IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.


IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK...You have to share.


IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.


IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.


IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK...They are called supervisors.


IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.


**********************************************************************


BAKED BEANS Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt- putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped off three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and to her surprise, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table ready to wish her a Happy Birthday!


A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?

She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."

-----------------------------------------

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"



Chelsea met a young man at college. Things began to look serious, so she brought him home to meet her father. They seemed to be getting along nicely, when Bill turned to Chelsea and said, "Honey, I need to speak with you privately. " When the two were out of earshot the President turned to his daughter and said, "I'm sorry dear, but you cannot marry this fellow. He's your half-brother. You see, I met his mother once and, well, you know..." Chelsea was naturally upset. She went back to school and tried to put it out of her mind. She met another fellow and when things appeared serious she brought him home to meet the Pres. They were sitting at the table and talking when the President said, "Excuse me Chelsea, but we need to talk privately." Once again, he pulled her aside and told her that she could not marry this boy because he was her half-brother. Chelsea burst into tears and stormed out of the room. She ran to Hillary and cried, "I'll never get married. He's screwed everybody!" Hillary put her arm around her and said, "Don't worry, darling. You can marry whomever you want. He's not your father."


The Dr. Seuss Version Of The Four Questions


why is it only on Passover night we never know how to do anything right? we don't eat our meals in the regular ways, the ways that we do on all other days.


'cause on all other nights we may eat all kinds of wonderful good bready treats, like big purple pizza that tastes like a pickle, crumbly crackers and pink pumpernickel, sassafras sandwich and tiger on rye, fifty falafels in pitas, fresh fried, with peanut-butter and tangerine sauce spread onto each side up and down, then across, and toasted whole-wheat bread with liver and ducks, and crumpets and dumplings, and bagels and lox, and doughnuts with one hole and doughnuts with four and cake with six layers, and windows and doors, yes on all other nights we eat all kinds of bread, but tonight of all nights we munch matzah instead.


And on all other nights we devour vegetables, green things, and bushes and flowers lettuce that's leafy and candy-striped spinach, fresh silly celery (have more when you're finished!) cabbage that's flown from the jungles of Glome by a polka-dot bird who can't find his way home, daisies and roses and inside-out grass and artichoke hearts that are simply first class! Sixty asparagus tips served in glasses with anchovy sauce and some sticky molasses-- but on Passover night you would never consider eating an herb that wasn't all bitter.


And on all other nights you would probably flip if anyone asked you how often you dip. On some days I only dip one Bup-Bup egg in a teaspoon of vinegar mixed with nutmeg but sometimes we take more than ten thousand tails of the Yakkity-birds that are hunted in Wales, and dip them in vats full of Mumbegum juice. Then we feed them to Harold, our six-legged moose.


Or we don't dip at all! We don't ask your advice. So why on this night do we have to dip twice?


And on all other nights we can sit as we please, on our heads, on our elbows, our backs or our knees, or hang by our toes from the tail of a Glump or on top of a camel with one or two humps, with our foot on the table, our nose on the floor, with one ear in the window and one out the door, doing somersaults over the greasy K'nishes or dancing a jig without breaking the dishes, yes-- on all other nights you sit nicely when dining-- So why on this night must it all be reclining?


A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's O.K., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."


It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.


We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without the risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project. INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.


All the major Jewish holidays really have one basic reason for celebration.... "They tried to kill us. We survived, lets eat"


What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.


A young Jewish Man calls his mother and says "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star How nice, says his mother. I have an Indian name too...he says, Its Running Water and you have to call me that from now on. How nice, says the mother You have to have an Indian name too, Mom I already do, says the mother...Just call me Sitting Shiva


A man calls his mother in Florida...Mother, how are you? Not too good, says the mother, I have been very weak. The son says, Why are you so weak? She says, Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. The man says, That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.


Jewish view on when life begins: There's a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after graduation from medical school.


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. Wonderful, what part is it? The boy says, I play the part of the Jewish husband. The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.


And finally; A Jewish Telegram


Begin worrying.....details to follow.


Passover Song


[Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things"]


Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings These are a few of our Passover things.


Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset Shankbones and kiddish and Yiddish neuroses Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings These are a few of our Passover things.


Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharaohs Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows Matzah balls floating and eggshell that cling These are a few of our Passover things.


When the plagues strike When the lice bite When we're feeling sad We simply remember our Passover things And then we don't feel so bad.